What's Inside Leaks!

My oldest daughter, her husband, and my wife were conversing around the lunch table on Saturday. My daughter had been invited by the leader of an exercise class to demonstrate an exercise that she’d excelled in. Then for some reason my daughter made this comment, “Well, I always knew keeping my weight down was important.” It came out of no where. It seemed disconnected to the conversation and it caught me off guard.

I’m short and slender. I run marathons. I was in the lighter weight classes on the wrestling team. I’ve never had a problem with my weight. Our daughters pretty much fall into the same category. The daughter in question weighs 100 lbs--maybe. Staying slim has never been a problem for her. Even after pregnancy. It’s just not an issue. But for her to tell me that she knew that this was important to me, even as a kid, took me back. “When did I ever say that?” I protested. “Never,” she said. “I just knew it was important to you.”

Somehow I leaked a value that I never intended to. It’s made me think. Several things became clear:

(1) What’s going on inside me is going to leak out, even if I don’t intend it to. So I have to ask, “What’s going on inside me? What am I communicating about myself and others acceptability, based on my own thoughtless comments?” I sometimes make fun of myself in front of others due to my small stature and slender frame. It really doesn’t bother me. I’m not embarrassed by it. It’s fun, and frankly, sometimes funny. But I now wonder if I’ve made heavier people uncomfortable by speaking in such a flippant fashion about a problem many of them have; namely keeping their weight under control.

(2) This value, or reality, effected my daughter. It shaped her life. Without even meaning to, I somehow contributed to the insane body image issue of our western culture; namely that if you’re not thin and beautiful, you’re not that significant. And if you are, well then you’ve got significant currency in this culture. She’s thin and she’s beautiful. She’s got currency. But that’s not the point! What if she wasn’t?

All of this has grabbed my attention while reading Matthew 23 and Jeremiah 9 in the bible. In Matthew 23 the religious leaders had all sorts of inner spiritual issues. They looked great on the outside, but on the inside their lives were on a tragic trajectory; one that came to fruition in the crucifixion of their Messiah. In Jeremiah 9, the nation of Israel had made all kinds of gods out of all kinds of things. Perhaps I’ve made a god out of being physically fit, being in shape, or being slender in a world that values thinness and beauty.

In all of this, I’ve learned that the values of our hearts leak out in ways we are unaware of. And our families, for better or worse, have formed and shaped those values in us. If you are from a family or have a family of your own there will be a legacy! What do our comments, our actions, our thoughts and motives say about what we value? What will they leave as a legacy? If we are unaware of our own family of origin issues, it only means we’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Being spiritually healthy means we allow God to make us aware of, and then actually deal with, our family of origins.

I think for me, this is instructive in that I want to be less critical of others imperfections and differences of opinion and more aware of my own. The harsh and often shrill tone of our current political, and cultural, dialogue suggests very few of our countries leaders actually have this kind of self-awareness. We leak. We all leak something! What is it you leak? What does it mean? And when you discover it, will you take the time to ask the hard question, “Why am I thinking, feeling, or acting that way?” Stop. Slow down. Look for the leaks. And when you find them, begin the long process of repair that comes by anchoring those life changes in the sacrificial life, death and resurrection of Jesus. It’s worth it.

It's Not Funny

Louis CK comedian extraordinaire recently admitted to behaving inappropriately towards women for years. His confession, which can be read in its entirety on the following web site (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/10/arts/television/louis-ck-statement.html?action=click&contentCollection=Arts&module=RelatedCoverage&region=EndOfArticle&pgtype=article) admits that the accusations are all true. Honestly, reading what he did is disgusting and disturbing. I wouldn’t want elementary age kids reading this stuff!

Of course, people who have been associated with him have reacted in the politically correct way: contra Hollywood’s usual way of dealing with things like this. While Harvey Weinstein went about his sexual harassment for years, without so much as a peep from Hollywood, everyone is jumping on the “that's disgusting and unacceptable” bandwagon when it comes to Louis C.K. And for the record, this is all happening while Hollywood continues to create movies that actually promote, and mimic, the very thing being disdained and condemned in Louis C.K. and Weinstein.

Louis C.K’s confession rings true, though certainly one suspects he’s doing the politically correct thing. His last sentence is the one that grabbed my attention: “I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen. Thank you for reading.”

Will he? Who knows! But we know that this posture of listening openly, and with honest personal reflection, is truly the right place to start. Psalm 81:8-13 notes that if we’ll but listen to God, and let Him direct us to the revelation of himself in the person and work of Christ, He’ll satisfy us with the finest of wheat, honey from the rock (v. 16). Maybe Louis C.K., who is anything but a Christian, is beginning the long slow journey of having the empty place in his soul occupied by Someone who can actually fill it. As philosophers have puts it for millennia, “If there is a God who created us, then the deepest chambers of our soul simply cannot be filled up by anything less. That’s how great God is!” Only He can satisfy the thirsty soul.

You Look Radiant

No one’s ever said that to me. “Dave, you look, well—just radiant! I mean really. Today you are radiant.” I think people have said it to my wife. Not me. Not that I can remember.

But the adventure of marriage—and probably any good friendship—is to end up with that. Again, I can’t help but view this through the lens of my Christian worldview. I realize that I’m tainted, but in St. Paul’s letter to the people who lived in Ephesus he describes what a marriage relationship can look like. After commanding people to “submit to one another” he describes what that would look like in a Christian marriage (Paul isn’t applying this to those who are not Christians). The husband is to love his wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church and the wife is to respectfully submit; that is, to put herself under her husbands mission to love her that way. When he doesn’t love her like that, she’s obligated to say something. That’s my take on it. That’s the way I read it. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think so.

So true submission, in my opinion, can look more like conflict, than the door mat style submission I’ve run across on some occasions in religious circles. When husbands just check out or don’t care or do things that create anxiety or fear or hurt in the life of a wife, or when wives show disdain, contempt, or scorn for their husbands, nobody’s looking radiant. And there’s a lot of that going on behind the closed doors of a home and the frequent, outward attempts at the facade of marital health and bliss are at best deceitful. Both men and women are very good at keeping stuff hidden. There’s a lot of ways to lie and most of us are good at all of them.

The ultimate goal of this respect giving, loving, submissive behavior is radiance. I think this means that ultimately, both partners seek to present the other radiant before God. I don’t see why a wife can’t do the same thing for a husband. That is exhilarating! So we have marriage, the adventure. Marriage, the epic (as one person has said)! Marriage, the quest, the journey, the voyage! The goal: to love the other well, so well that you present him and her radiant before God and others. Frankly, I want to do that for my friends and relatives as well.

A Wedding Letter to My Daughter

I ran across this letter to my oldest daughter written just before she was married and thought it was worth posting. Here's a picture of the kids in 2006. Laurel is on the left. She now has two daughters. (Lyndi is in the middle, Katie on the right)

July 5, 2006

Dear Laurel,

I’ve thought about this letter for quite some time, knowing full well I’d eventually write it but not having a clue what to say.

Life is full of firsts and you have certainly had your share in our family.  You were first born, first in school, first to get a job, first to graduate, first to go to College and now, here again, you are first to be married.  

I was reading a book on the plane today called Velvet Elvis.  It’s written by Rob Bell, the guy who is the lead pastor of Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, the church Katie goes to when she’s at school.  In the book he notes that through out life there are extraordinary experiences that point to something greater than us.  Those experiences become sacred space, places we want to take our shoes off and say, “This is holy ground I’m standing on!”  It’s a sacred place.  

Over the course of my life I can think of some of those sacred places, those experiences that have caused me to pause and ponder and see life for what it is.  I remember times with friends where our conversation was so rich, so funny, so real, so full of life that I didn’t want it to end.  It was a sacred place.  I remember a couple times out surfing when the whole experience was so surreal it pointed me to God and to a plan bigger than me alone.  It was a sacred place.  I remember times with you kids camping at San Elijo, wrestling in the living room, going out to eat—it was a sacred place, holy ground.

The day you were born was one of those times.  Our trip to San Juan Capistrano was another, as was our trip to Europe.  I suppose the day you caught me prostrate in front of your door praying was another.  God has given us those things we share: the good, the bad, the funny, the ridiculous, the audacious.  In all of it, for the past twenty-two years, we’ve shared it together; father and daughter.  And now we share another time, one very different from the sacred moments we’ve shared in the past.  I will no longer be the main man in your life as of July 14.  It is holy ground, Laurel.  It is a sacred place.   

Scripture says a man will leave his father and mother and a woman will leave her home, and the two will become one flesh.  What we will all experience July 14 with you and Noah is sacred, holy ground.  It points to something much more than us.  I suppose that is part of the reason I wanted to participate more fully in the service.  I like those places where you have to take your shoes off, where God meets us in the experiences of life.  

I love you and have been privileged to be your father.  But you were really never mine or mom’s.  You were loaned to us from God.  And now you move on in your life to start your own family, to have your own sacred experiences with your husband.  All the time it points to something so much greater than us, to God, the ultimate Father.  

My challenge to you is to seek him fully.  Surrender to him and his ways and you will be blessed.  Life is tough but without surrendering to Christ it becomes even tougher.  Learn to respect your husband.  Honor him as the man in your family.  You will not regret it.  You are loved and I am proud to be your father.

Love Dad

Agnes Laughs--A Resurrection Experience

Agnes laughs. She’s 94 years old and she laughs—all the time this lady laughs! I first met her in a training event at Calvary church during our first Leadership Summit. She laughed—if felt like she jumped—at me so hard that it startled me. I got a pretty cool adrenaline rush from it all. She laughed so hard at startling me that she doubled over. She laughs. Why? She delights in God. Seriously, this old lady loves Jesus. She laughs because of Jesus. Not the religious Jesus with the wimpy fair skin and the flowing brown hair and blue Scandinavian eyes but the Jesus that the Gospels talks about. That Jesus and his sacrifice for our sins has so captured Agne’s heart that she laughs. The playful side of the work of Christ on our behalf makes her laugh. The joy of the resurrection life makes her laugh.

Of course, the other side of that whole business is what theologians call the atonement. It is serious. God’s love for us cost him dearly. It wasn’t this sort of sentimental love found in refrigerator magnet theology. The eternal God lost, for a time, the infinite intimacy he’d had among the three members of this Triune community of One. While Christ hung on the cross for our sin, things got dark. God the Father turned his back on God the Son. That’s serious! But the other side of the coin is playful. God, in Christ, invites us into the joy and delight of this Triune being because of the cross (John 17:22-23).

Agnes has it figured out. She laughs—hard and long and loud. She says, “I can’t hear so well!” Then she laughs. No kidding!! I want to be like Agnes when I grow up. I want to laugh and because of the serious work of the cross I can!! C.S. Lewis, in his book The Last Battle in the Chronicles of Narnia series puts it like this, “There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious.” Get serious and laugh. Its resurrection day!

No Thanks Mom, I'd Prefer Not To

The conversation started pretty innocuously. “I want you to listen to this sermon the associate pastor gave at our church. He told the congregation that pastors are people too and need a break!” I knew what the comments meant. My mom had another great idea to teach me something. I could learn something from the pastor at her church. That was her motivation. She even brought the CD out so we could listen to it together. There was no way of escape. She was going to have me listen to it regardless of what I wanted. My response was simple, “Mom, help me to understand the reason you want me to listen to the CD?” Things went down hill from there.

The reality is I didn’t want to listen to it for a lot of reasons, none of which are important in this post. But I didn’t handle the situation as well as I could have. There were no harsh words, no shouting, and no threats. I just didn’t want to listen to it and she wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer. The dagger in the heart came at the end of this short episode when she burst into tears and ran into her bedroom crying, “I just wanted to share this important part of my life with you. You are too strong for me.” She locked the door and remained there for several hours. The next day she admitted to my wife that the sermon didn’t really mean that much to her. It wasn’t her life that she wanted to share. She wanted me to listen to it because she felt I could learn something from it. So my own mother, the fundamentalist Christian, had lied to me! Talk about discouraging!

For every reader who wrestles with their parents growing old, here’s a thought: Without losing who you are, you are going to have to deal with what your parents become in their old age. And with that in mind, your kids will have to deal with what you become in your old age. What ever issues are in your life now, magnify them dramatically, and that will be what your kids have to address when you get old. Sobering isn’t it.

I think had I simply said, “Mom, I don’t really care to listen to this now. I am exhausted,” that may have delayed the inevitable. But more likely, it would have been smart to say, “Okay mom, lets listen to it.” Who knows, maybe I would have gotten something out of it! There is a tricky balance between hanging on to who you are, being gracious and honoring to aging parents, and having the right to say “no” or “I disagree” or “I don’t want that” with parents (or other people) who bust personal boundaries and think that you should be just like they are. Many people in our culture feel that intimacy or relational closeness equals sameness. That is, if we always do the same things, think the same way, have the same hobbies, buy the same cell phones, or even live in the same house, we will be emotionally intimate or relationally close. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But a simple tolerance for someone’s issues may grease the wheels in an aging persons life. Maybe this is part of what it means in the Decalogue when it says, “Honor your father and mother….” I know it’s way more than that but I wonder if that’s part of it.

I don’t feel I owe my mom an apology and I don’t think she owes me an apology either—really. But I’m at a loss to what to do about this. She’s obviously hurt. Frankly, her behavior is just another in a long list of things that go back to my childhood when mom couldn’t accept differences of opinion or personal choices that had no moral basis. It’s her issue, not mine. But maybe as I relate to her now in her old age, I should be more tolerant of her foibles while not giving up my own identity. Of course, owning my own foibles now while I have my wits about me may save my kids from some uncomfortable situations in the future. It’s thought provoking!

Lovely Bones--A Review

I recently saw the movie Lovely Bones. It’s the story of a girl who is murdered by a predator and then narrates, in the first person, the resulting journeys of her family, the predator, and surprisingly enough, herself. The first person narration of the movie lends itself to an interesting set of questions: What does death really bring? Does death produce growth in us? How does our death affect others? What is the nature of justice and its relationship to death? What is heaven and hell really like? Do we need a savior or are we saved on our own and is there some interim period after death that leads, perhaps if we are good enough, to heaven?

The movie is well produced with the predator’s vile actions being contrast with the purity of his personal hobby. While killing young women satisfies him at a level too terrible to comprehend, he also makes miniature doll houses; the kind of toy a young girl would love. The producers and writers also examine the kind of person that actually kills at such a perverted level.

In the end, the movie is about justice and revenge. The dead girls family seeks justice but goes about it in the wrong way. The dead girl herself creates a second death of sorts by her deep-seated desire to take revenge on her killer. Her heaven becomes hell in some ways; a hell she creates on her own by her post death hatred. In the end, justice appears to have been served. I’ll not reveal the climax of the story but I was told that the guy who played the predator said he wouldn’t have taken the part had not the just demise of the predator been part of the story.

It was not a satisfying justice for me. I’ll leave it at that. Frankly, I didn’t see it as justice though its obvious the writer and producers did. Real justice is more just!! I think God is more just than what this movie presents as justice. Real justice isn’t bad Karma. Real justice is not an accident. Furthermore, the writers view of heaven and hell seem to merge in an uncomfortable ebb and flow created by the dead girls interactions with the characters continued lives on earth. I’m not sure the exact religious orientation of the writers. Check out movie. If you have daughters, be ready for an emotional punch to the gut. But it’s worth watching.

Let's Celebrate Twenty Eight

I like being married. I like my female friends. They are very dear. My male friends sometimes send me emails like the one I received yesterday with the title, Fairy Tale. It goes like this: "One day, long, long ago.......There lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But this was a long time ago....... and it was just that one day. The End." Apparently, some people don't like marriage. Maybe some men don't like women! The friend who sent this to me is a nice guy. He thought this was funny. But I get tired of hearing women constantly criticized by men. Perhaps my friend was constantly criticized by women or hurt deeply by a woman. It makes me wonder.

Saturday, Jan and I celebrated our twenty-eighth wedding anniversary. Not a bad accomplishment for a baby boomer. It doesn't even remotely resemble the Fairy Tale I quoted. I don't have as much hair as I used to and I'm not as muscular as I was the day we got married. Jan doesn't have the youthful appeal she did either. Should I expect her too? Beauty and physical strength is fickle and short lived. Even a sunset over the Pacific ocean, though beautiful, can't be completely captured. "The beauty of the natural world," says N.T. Wright, "is at best the echo of a voice, not the voice itself." The same thing could be said of relationships.

Everyone wants to be liked, loved, accepted, and special. Marriage is the deepest completion of that desire. And yet so many marriages end in bankruptcy. I think people were made for relationship, yet making relationships work, let alone flourish, is remarkably difficult. Jan and I have had our moments. Billy Graham's wife was once asked if she had ever considered divorcing her husband. Her answer is profoundly humorous, "Divorce? No. Murder. Yes!" There was a period in our marriage when, outside of divorce, I would have been happy to get out. Surprised? Sorry to disappoint you. I'm sure Jan felt the same way. But God in his grace and mercy invited both of us to take a deep inner look at what was real in us. It was hard. I'd have rather had a root canal. But in the end, it was worth it.

I had dinner last night with a friend in Christian ministry. He acknowledged that there were things in his marriage that were not right. It was eating him up. Just that morning he and his wife had had a terrible fight. I tried to encourage him and let him know that the best thing he could give his congregation was a healthy marriage. As a few of my friends have said, "The best thing you can give your kids, is a healthy marriage." I believe it. Gerry Scazzero recently asked a poignant question that went something like this, "How would it have benefited your marriage if your parents had gotten help for their own." Great thought! I hope my kids can someday look at me and Jan and answer in a positive fashion.

Beauty and the Soul of a Woman

I’m not a cross dresser. But I’ll admit that this winter, when I couldn’t find a pair of men’s running pants that fit, I tried a medium from the women’s rack—at the suggestion of the store attendant—and they fit perfectly. I have no idea why, but they do! I swore her to secrecy and now I’m coming out of the closet, so to speak, and can craft this post with a measure of integrity. I am going to write about women’s clothing and beauty. Here goes:

A couple of weekends ago I took my middle daughter Katie (see the picture) out to a woman’s clothing store to finalize her fitting for a bridesmaid dress. Walking into the basement I was astonished to see scores of dresses hanging along the walls, all big dresses for big women. And then to my amazement, when I looked into the mirror on the side of wall, I saw but a caricature of myself. I was smaller than usual or at least smaller than I thought I actually was. This was disturbing since I’m not so big to begin with! “All that weight lifting recently has done me no good,” I thought. But then my daughter stepped into the mirror and she looked smaller than she actually was and she’s anything but big. That’s when it struck me: the mirror created the illusion that the person reflected back was actually smaller than they were in real life. I have no idea whether this should be perceived as a really bad mirror or a really good business mind. Had the mirror intentionally been created to be that way? I don’t know. Any way you cut it, it disturbed me.

Being married to the same woman for 27 years, being the father to three daughters, one grand daughter, and having many fine women friends I have been privileged to learn a lot about women. I also have a mother (couldn’t leave her out even though she’ll never read this post). I am more than aware that our society imposes clear standards on what physical features are considered beautiful and which are not for women. Being slender and petite is one of the standards our society values. These standards are not typically applied in the same way towards men. I have recently been reading a book called Sex and the Soul of a Woman by Paula Rinehart. It’s an excellent read. (The last chapter is written about men and is worth the price of the whole book.) In reference to physical beauty, the author notes, “…there is no concept in our culture these days more conflicted than that of female beauty…I’m writing about something deeper, more intrinsic, than a lovely face or body. That kind of beauty a confident woman possesses is an odd mixture of mystery and warm allure that invites you always a little deeper into the essence of really knowing her.” (pg. 49) I think that this is true.

When you read the pages of the New Testament, you'll find that Jesus had a radically different view of women than the prevailing society. He valued women, respected women, and honored women. The same was true of the early church. Women were treated with more dignity than they were in everyday culture. (See The Rise of Christianity by Rodney Stark, Chapter 5). I know that, as a man, I swim in this culture like a fish swims in water, and its values and mores will affect me. But I hope that I value women not for how they look or how big or small they are but for who they are.