“What is driving you?” I’d said the words before. They sort of slipped thoughtlessly out of my mouth. I’d said those words to my wife, Jan, when she seemed to never take a break. I’d said them to friends whom I self-righteously thought were giving their lives to insane schedules or harried existences or ridiculous endeavors. I’d said them, frankly, to quite a few people. But this time the words, spoken to a friend while running, boomeranged around and hit me back in the head. In my mind the thought came back, “Well, what is driving you, Dave?” I’d slowed down my training for marathons after Boston but remained pretty intense in my regimen. I’d done this on top of an insane travel schedule and a very difficult work and ministry environment. “What’s driving me?”
The flippancy of my comments and the thoughtlessness behind them rattled my cage. “What’s driving me?” Another friend recently admitted that maybe he’d bitten off more than he could chew when it came to training for a half iron man triathlon. My response was muted this time because the thought keeps coming back, “What’s driving me?”
Blaise Pascal wrote a book many years ago entitled Pensees (or reflections/ponderings). Pascal was a brilliant mathematician but what he’s actually best known for is his writings on Philosophy and Theology. In Pensees he has entire section answering the question, “What’s driving Dave?” or to put it another way, “What is diving us?” The section is entitled, Diversions. Pascal, like Augustine, believed that humankind did what they do because they want to be happy. As a matter of fact, according to Pascal, mankind cannot help but want to be happy! He was created to be happy. But still, when pondering life’s difficulties, humankind becomes unhappy. To overcome this people involve themselves in diversions. These diversions, says Pascal, keep our minds off of the difficulties of our existence and the realities that we face daily. Pascal believed that to be truly happy one has to rest: “They have another secret instinct, left over from the greatness of our original nature, telling them that the only true happiness lies in rest and not in excitement.” (Pensees Section 136) But where does this rest come from? Augustine, speaking of a relationship with God through Christ, put it like this, “Our heart is restless until it rests in you.”(Confessions Chapter 1)
I believe that I get involved in diversions because I still don’t find my rest in Christ—at least not like I should. I still believe, erroneously, that I’ll be happiest when I am active. I don’t want to believe that I believe that, but I think I still do. I am finished with my ministry in Hawaii. I’m tired. I need a break but still I drive myself. Last week my body shut me down for several days. I couldn’t work. Yesterday I ran a half marathon and substantially missed my target time in spite of being in good condition. I need to take a break. I’m going to take a month off and during that time I’m going to extract myself from some of my diversions. I’m going to go to a monastery and be silent and rest. Who knows what I’ll find. I’ll let you know in future posts.
The picture on this post was taken at Volcano National Park near Hilo, Hawaii on the big island. It was a time of rest in a very difficult time of ministry. It is instructive. Life can be very barren, like what is left over from an irruption. But in the middle of that barreness, we need rest.
