My
oldest daughter, her husband, and my wife were conversing around the lunch
table on Saturday. My daughter had been invited by the leader of an exercise
class to demonstrate an exercise that she’d excelled in. Then for some reason
my daughter made this comment, “Well, I always knew keeping my weight down was
important.” It came out of no where. It seemed disconnected to the conversation
and it caught me off guard.
I’m
short and slender. I run marathons. I was in the lighter weight classes on the
wrestling team. I’ve never had a problem with my weight. Our daughters pretty
much fall into the same category. The daughter in question weighs 100
lbs--maybe. Staying slim has never been a problem for her. Even after
pregnancy. It’s just not an issue. But for her to tell me that she knew that
this was important to me, even as a kid, took me back. “When did I ever say
that?” I protested. “Never,” she said. “I just knew it was important to you.”
Somehow
I leaked a value that I never intended to. It’s made me think. Several things
became clear:
(1)
What’s going on inside me is going to leak out, even if I don’t intend it to.
So I have to ask, “What’s going on inside me? What am I communicating about
myself and others acceptability, based on my own thoughtless comments?” I
sometimes make fun of myself in front of others due to my small stature and
slender frame. It really doesn’t bother me. I’m not embarrassed by it. It’s
fun, and frankly, sometimes funny. But I now wonder if I’ve made heavier people
uncomfortable by speaking in such a flippant fashion about a problem many of
them have; namely keeping their weight under control.
(2)
This value, or reality, effected my daughter. It shaped her life. Without even
meaning to, I somehow contributed to the insane body image issue of our western
culture; namely that if you’re not thin and beautiful, you’re not that
significant. And if you are, well then you’ve got significant currency in this
culture. She’s thin and she’s beautiful. She’s got currency. But that’s not the
point! What if she wasn’t?
All
of this has grabbed my attention while reading Matthew 23 and Jeremiah 9 in the
bible. In Matthew 23 the religious leaders had all sorts of inner spiritual
issues. They looked great on the outside, but on the inside their lives were on
a tragic trajectory; one that came to fruition in the crucifixion of their
Messiah. In Jeremiah 9, the nation of Israel had made all kinds of gods out of
all kinds of things. Perhaps I’ve made a god out of being physically fit, being
in shape, or being slender in a world that values thinness and beauty.
In
all of this, I’ve learned that the values of our hearts leak out in ways we are
unaware of. And our families, for better or worse, have formed and shaped those
values in us. If you are from a family or have a family of your own there will
be a legacy! What do our comments, our actions, our thoughts and motives say
about what we value? What will they leave as a legacy? If we are unaware of our
own family of origin issues, it only means we’re doomed to repeat the same
mistakes. Being spiritually healthy means we allow God to make us aware of, and
then actually deal with, our family of origins.
I
think for me, this is instructive in that I want to be less critical of others
imperfections and differences of opinion and more aware of my own. The harsh and
often shrill tone of our current political, and cultural, dialogue suggests
very few of our countries leaders actually have this kind of self-awareness. We
leak. We all leak something! What is it you leak? What does it mean? And when you
discover it, will you take the time to ask the hard question, “Why am I
thinking, feeling, or acting that way?” Stop. Slow down. Look for the leaks.
And when you find them, begin the long process of repair that comes by
anchoring those life changes in the sacrificial life, death and resurrection of
Jesus. It’s worth it.
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